How should a girl be raised? The question is really important and not simple, because the foundation of the personality is laid in childhood, and growing up, we spend most of our lives fighting childhood complexes, fears and experiences.
In modern society, where women have become absolutely free and independent, I can earn money on my own, feed myself and my children, the question naturally arises: in what direction to raise a girl - for a future career or for a family? And can these two goals be combined?
The goal is one - to bring up a happy daughter! But how to achieve this, we will tell you below.
Recently I talked with one mother, who has four children. Two eldest sons and two youngest daughters. Mom complained about her daughters. I didn't know any problems with my sons, but these girls…. I asked what the difficulty was, the answer surprised me a little, although in some ways it did not surprise me at all.
“Here is the eldest, 12 years old. She is a typical blonde. She doesn't need anything at all. Only all sorts of nonsense - dancing, singing, painting. It’s like you’ll earn money in life. Doesn't want to study. Doesn't want to go to school. Today I got up and said that she wouldn’t go anywhere, because she hadn’t learned anything. And you see, truancy is better than a deuce! She doesn't go to school because she's ugly today. She has nothing to wear. Then there is no mood. She doesn't want to go to college. Well at least he cooks soups. How she will live - I can't imagine. So tired of chasing her!"
I didn't even bother asking about the younger one. And I thought about it. I thought, because this is not the first time I have heard about such problems with girls. And because for me what I heard is not a problem. I would be glad that a woman is growing up, that she has the right values inside, guides and passions. Although - that's what I think now.
When I was in school and institute, together with the boys I laughed at the blondes, who themselves can not do anything, do not understand anything. And it used to be very offensive when then the same boys gave flowers to the same blondes and took them to the cinema, and I, all so smart, stayed at home without flowers. Once it seemed to me that I should be able to do everything myself, so that if something happens, then I will not be lost. To be able to provide for herself. To be able to re-glue the wallpaper itself. And even graduate from such a non-female university.
I remember myself like this from childhood - a special love for men's games, activities. Either I am Robin Hood, or the midshipman, or Malchish-Kibalchish. I was never a princess in games, I thought Cinderella was somehow strange, all the other princesses seemed boring. But the knights! Pirates!
My friends, of course, were the boys. And this determined the occupations - the Cossacks-robbers, war, battles. I have lived most of my life as a boy. This affected my life, my health, my relationships in a special way. And while I am raising my boys, I increasingly ask myself the question - how to raise girls? I found many answers - in the scriptures, in the lectures of the Teachers, in communication with those who are good at raising girls. I will try to streamline these postulates.
In fact, collecting all this, I had the feeling that this is the kind of childhood I would like. And now I am re-living many of these points, re-nurturing the girl in me. This seems to me to be a great criterion that the list is good and practical.
Raising a girl is a huge responsibility
To begin with, it's easier to educate boys. For many reasons. Boys are born "empty", and they need to be taught a lot, a lot to invest in them (if we talk specifically about values and relationships). It is not so scary to make a mistake somewhere, if the boy has not yet grown up, there is still a lot you can grow in him. Difficult - if there is no man nearby. And if there is a man, and he is good, then this is enough.
Girls are different. We are born already full. With the most complete values, principles, service, care and love are already laid in us. Again I recall the story of Mom from the beginning of this chapter, and again I am convinced of this.Therefore, the task of parents here is to a greater extent - not to break. Do not harm. Do not burn all the good that is in it. Agree, the responsibility is huge. And the cost of a mistake is higher. If you break something that you didn’t create, then how to fix it?
Girls are more sensitive, vulnerable, touchy. Therefore, any breakdown of emotions, any raising of the voice, punishment can break her psyche. And make out of her either a real "robocop" or a constantly offended child.
The girl is a princess
This has been said a million times already, but the root of the word "girl" is "deva" - it means divine. This is both about the completeness with which the girl already comes into this world, and about the special test for the family by her arrival.
And if we translate this to a more understandable level for us, every girl is a princess. Princesses are different. There are very soft and hardworking, there are very creative and easy-going, there are fighting princesses, but even they are princesses.
To see a divine spark in your girl, even if she is far from the classical understanding of a girl - she does not sit still, fights with boys, does not like to cook. You just come across a princess from a kind of warriors. So you both are supposed to be by fate. But even with this character, she is a princess. Maybe she won't wear pretty dresses and style her hair. Maybe she will be indifferent to crowns and jewelry. But you should still treat her like a princess. With respect, respect and admiration.
Confidence in your beauty. Dress up, pamper
99 percent of women consider themselves not very beautiful. Even those whom everyone else would consider beauties. Because in childhood, we heard a lot of epithets about our crooked or bony legs, a long or humped nose, thin or too plump lips and other parts of the body.
Parents, or rather mothers, make the greatest contribution to this. They are, of course, out of love. And it turns out not very well. Mom is trying to make her daughter beautiful in her understanding of beauty, but who said that her understanding is correct? And some mothers unconsciously compete with their daughter, so they try to explain to her in every possible way that she is not very good.
Therefore, if in relation to your daughter you can prevent such negative assessments of appearance, this will already be a victory. And if you constantly tell her how beautiful she is, how pretty her eyes, hair and everything else, then your girl's self-esteem will be much better.
I foresee indignation that she will be arrogant and proud, which can be over-praised. Do you really think it's possible? Or are we doing this to convince ourselves that we have been praised enough to grow up to be normal people?
Dress up your princesses, pamper them. Let them play their part of the princess in childhood in order to have a good foundation for further development.
Proper training - what comes in handy
It seems to me that I talk about this all the time. But it's worth saying again. Teach the girl what will come in handy in her life. Do not force her to cram everything into an A at school, especially what she does not like. Rejoice equally in chemistry triples and in labor grades. Because not a single chemical formula and not a single physical law will be useful to her in life. And self-esteem can kill easily, like nerve cells. Or set the wrong vector of development to please you.
And teach what no school teaches. How to be a woman, how to build relationships, how to cook the same borscht and bake pies, how to iron shirts, how to style your hair. This is something that will definitely come in handy for her in life. What she exactly needs and is important. But where is it taught?
Keep her clean
Again, if a girl is born already full, filled with all the best, then our task is to preserve all this. Maintain her purity, both physical and moral. For a girl, not only premarital relationships are terrible. There are other unhappy things - alcohol, smoking, drugs, slang.And besides, excessive attachments to money, gadgets, fashion, fast food, TV, consumption. There are many temptations in this world, and some do not seem so scary. Just ask yourself a question - is this a benefit for my daughter? And is not her purity lost in this - whether physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual.
The hardest part about this place is that you need to start talking about it as early as possible. Because when the time comes, she will no longer be ready to listen to you. If from childhood she knows that she should have one man, that bed only after marriage, if this is the norm in her eyes in childhood, then there is a greater chance that as a teenager, she will make a choice in favor of cleanliness.
Values are instilled from the cradle, especially in girls. Because they already have it all inside, she will be close to what you tell. She will like a fairy tale where a princess has only one prince for life, and they do not always live simply, but together. She will like the tale of how an evil sorcerer wanted to deceive and steal the princess by stealing her kiss, but the princess refused and escaped. Etc. Always broadcast to the girl how important cleanliness is. By his example, the example of heroes of cartoons, fairy tales, books.
Respect her father
Although it would be worth putting this first, I decided to put it in the middle so that I would not be eaten. Just kidding, but in every joke there is only a fraction of a joke. Indeed, every time I say that the father of children must be respected, I come across wild resistance from women. Especially those who are already divorced. Arguments vary, but usually he is so and so and there is nothing to respect.
Just think what you are broadcasting to your daughter. Without even saying a word, just a smirk can give her a sign that men are nothing. And she will definitely remember this for the rest of her life.
If you once chose this man as the father of your daughter, be responsible for this. Remember only the good things that happened between you, and tell your daughter about it. As often as possible. Encourage their communication, because for a girl, dad is the first romance. If he gives her a feeling of need and love, it will be easier for her to live. If she feels his protection and support, it will be easier for her to build relationships with men.
And if he himself does not do anything special, you do. Tell her about how her dad took care of her when she was little. How he bought her her first dress or first shoes. How he boasted of her photographs to everyone. As he once defended in kindergarten. Collect such valuable trifles and tell, tell. Do not be the owner, do not divide the child, do not measure who did more and who did less. Your goal is to help her become happy, not to settle scores.
If dad is around and is ready to pay attention to his daughter, help him. Invite him to give her flowers on holidays, like a real princess. Let sometimes they have going out to the cinema or to the theater together. Delegate the full protection of your daughter to him - in all circumstances. Education, training - all this is your task, and you need to spend more time with your daughter. And why not tell her a lot of good things about her father at that time? And it is good for you to train, and it is like a balm for her soul.
And the best thing you can do while doing this is to be happy with her dad. For her dad to love you, admire you, show you attention. The girl loves her dad very much, which means she strives to become the one he loves most of all. If your husband loves you the most, then she will want to be like you.
Do not criticize, give feedback only when it is very necessary and very gentle
Women are very vulnerable. From early childhood. Any careless word hurts. We often strive to "temper" girls and prepare them for a difficult life. Therefore, we'd better start criticizing them, correcting them so that they get used to it. But what are we trying to achieve?
Research was conducted.If a man started laughing at someone behind a woman's back, 90 out of 100 women took it personally and turned around to check. That is, we are so sensitive to criticism, so tense, that we perceive any words behind our backs as spoken to us.
Don't criticize girls. You are welcome. Remember how your hands drop when you tried, the floor of the house was washed, and mom immediately pointed to the dirty corners. Remember how you don't want to do anything after being poked into a greasy dish, a mistake in a notebook, a crooked seam, an incorrectly superimposed shadow.
In most cases, it is generally best to be silent. The girl will probably see the curvature of her stitches herself. And if she pokes it, she can stop sewing altogether. I had a gorgeous labor teacher at school. That’s probably why I’m so afraid to sew. And even having a great desire and a beautiful car at home, I can't start. Because for any mistake they beat us on the hands, saying "nasty hands!" And as a punishment, they somehow forced the whole class to eat white sauce. Without anything. Just because we didn't think to bring a side dish for this sauce.
Where feedback is needed and important, try to do it very gently and delicately. Not directly. Maybe you just need to hint, and she herself will understand everything. Experiment to get a feel for this edge.
There is never a lot of creativity
Feminine energy is closely related to creativity. If the girl does not do anything like that, sooner or later she will be seized by apathy and depression. Creativity is different, and each girl chooses something for herself. In this moment. After some time, her tastes may change - and that's okay.
If she stops loving music, do not stand over her with a whip. Let her take a break from music - and maybe she will return to this hobby again. Let her try different things - dancing, singing, painting, embroidering, knitting. Let her choose what is close to her. Let her start new, let her ditch the old.
The main thing for a girl is to keep her creative fervor. And not to get a diploma from a music and art school, a category in gymnastics and win in dances. Let her be creative not for the sake of the result, but enjoying the process. Do not expect usefulness, completeness, success and diplomas from these hobbies. And you will see how her eyes will shine with joy.
And as the girl grows, do not put a taboo on creativity. After all, what we easily allow children at five to ten years old, at fifteen is already considered "an empty exercise" and "wasting time." Creativity for her does not necessarily become a profession. This will be her way to live different situations, relieve stress, get to know the world and herself, open her heart. And not only this.
Be sure to protect. From bullies and unkind people. From those who undermine her faith in herself. From attacks at school - do not expect her to figure it out herself. So she will only withdraw into herself or learn to fight and survive. Do you need it? From the harmful influence of incomprehensible people - it would be good to know with whom your daughter communicates, to whom she listens. From the unnecessary temptations of this world. From lonely walks at night. From that dirt, which is enough in the world. From excessive stress on her psyche. From beatings and punishments, shouts and insults. From huge expectations - yours, by the way. From excessive housework - she will wash, iron and cook all her life. From unnecessary responsibility, especially for younger brothers and sisters. From your own negative emotions, with which you can easily break her. From your quarrels with your husband and daughter's father. From your difficulties at work. From your unfulfilled dreams, which you so want to realize at the expense of her.
If a girl grows up in such an atmosphere of love and care as in a greenhouse, it will be easier for her to build relationships in the future. She will be able to maintain her purity, vulnerability, naivety, modesty. Remember that women used to be protected all their lives - first by their father, then by their husband, then by their son.It was scary and stupid if a woman was suddenly left alone with everything that was happening around her. And the first stage - the stage of child protection - is one of the most important. It is basic, fundamental.
Praise just like that, not for actions
Let's get back to the topic of praise. As I said, the girl can and should be praised. As often as possible. But it is also very important to understand the difference - how to praise. We encourage boys to be active, so we praise only for their actions. That is, not "you are so strong", but "you helped dad so well with these heavy bags." Or not "you are so caring", but "you made such a cool bird feeder!" Thus, the boy is tuned in to a life full of important things.
If we do the same with the girl (and we usually do this), then the girl will begin to live in the model “you can't just love me like that”. And she will begin to deserve love in different ways. It is convenient for parents - she will do a lot of things both at home and at school. But for the girl herself, it could not be worse. She can never be happy with what has been done. It will be difficult for her to accept love and attention. She will sincerely believe that she should sleep with everyone who paid her bill at the cafe. Etc.
The girl needs to be watered just like that. Talk to her about her qualities. Tell her that she is smart, beautiful, kind, affectionate, talented. Just. Not tying to results, activities, actions. So that she does not focus on actions, not on results, but on qualities and processes.
And more often hug her, wrap her with tenderness, touches with love!
Be a good example for her
And this point is, as always, the most important. It doesn't matter what you say, what matters is what you do. If you talk about respect for men, and call your husband by his last name, she will learn exactly this - to treat men downright. If you are talking about creativity, and you yourself are plowing at an unloved job, do not look after yourself and do not have a hobby - it will absorb your model of attitude to life. If you smoke, then what kind of cleanliness for your daughter you can talk about. Etc.
Children hear what we say, but they follow what they see. This is a great reason to start changing yourself, in order to become the kind of woman you would like to see your daughter in twenty or thirty years.
And the most important thing here is to be happy. So that she understands why she needs all this. Why should she keep her purity, why develop creativity, why build relationships. If she sees an example of a happy mother, this question does not arise. And if this happy mother is also adored by the best father in the world, then the girl has no other options. Her heart will strive along the path you have illuminated - and this is the best form of protection for the girl.
I am confident that all this is important for every baby. The baby, whom you hold by the hand, put on the arms to sleep or the one with whom you are now talking about life. And it is no less important for the little one who is inside you. She, most likely, did not get something. This means that you can adopt her - and love her and add to her. Buy her Cinderella shoes, give her to dance, give her a lot of praise, re-create for her a good image of her father …
Healing your inner girl will be a great base from which to treat your daughter differently. Differently. With more attention, with more love. But children, after all, by and large, do not need anything else.